Uwe Boll: Revisited

Reviewing the essential filmography of the industry's greatest bad director

Matt Click - clickmt@plu.edu

Mast A&E editor

Two weeks ago, hack filmmaker and German madman Uwe Boll appeared in a YouTube video in which he griped about the hugely popular “Stop Dr. Uwe Boll” online petition (which, as of this writing, has over 22,000 signatures).

Boll, who is widely regarded as the worst filmmaker since Ed Wood, is the culprit behind such cinematic gems as “Alone in the Dark,” “House of the Dead” and “BloodRayne.” He also challenged some film critics to a boxing match in 2006 and knocked a bunch of them unconscious.

Late last year, Boll stated that if a petition garnered one million anti-Boll signatures, he would stop writing, directing and producing films. So, after the petition went live and began accumulating close to 1,000 signatures every hour, Boll panicked and shot back with his own pro-Boll message:

“I want a pro-Boll petition and I expect a million votes pro-Boll,” Boll stated. “Because, look—I’m not a f***ing retard like Michael Bay or other people running around in the business. Or Eli Roth, making the same sh**ty movies over and over again.
“If you really look at my movies, you will see my real genius. You have to really wake up and see me for what I am—I’m the only genius in the whole f***ing business.”

As eloquent and thoughtful as Boll’s rebuttal is, I can’t help but wonder if maybe the guy has gone off the deep end—either he’s insane and truly believes he’s talented, or he’s just screwing with us. So as Boll jumps the shark, I’ll risk it all and delve deep into the selected life’s work of a complete lunatic.

House of the Dead

Starring Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso

Uwe Boll’s first—and possibly worst—wide-release picture follows a group of teens as they arrive on a secluded island for a rave, only to find that it’s been overrun by the undead (which, honestly, isn’t drastically different than any other given rave). The barely-clad Abercrombie models grab some guns and get to work blowing up a bunch of extras in bad zombie makeup. “House of the Dead” is the most difficult of Boll’s to sit through—all it takes is a teenage girl roundhouse kicking a zombie in slow motion to DMX’s “Up in Here” and I’m scrambling for the remote.

Alone in the Dark

Starring Christian Slater, Tara Reid

This is Boll’s undisputed masterpiece. Christian Slater pounds the final nail in his coffin as monster-hunter Edward Carnby and Tara Reid is laughably bad as his archeologist girlfriend (they gave her glasses to try and make her look slightly intelligent, but it doesn’t really work). The plot concerns something about monsters being released from an ancient box and orphan children being given special powers by aliens. I can’t recall exactly. All I really remember is that Stephen Dorrf kills an old man by throwing a switchblade into his chest, and it’s literally the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

BloodRayne

Starring Kristanna Loken, Ben Kingsley

Boll followed the right hook of “Alone in the Dark” with the jaw-shattering uppercut of “BloodRayne,” a movie about sexy goths who fight Nazis. Or something like that. This one sports Kristanna Loken in little-to-no clothing as its main draw. However, it also prominently features a lumpy, weathered-looking Michael Madsen in leather trousers and a wig. So, really, it balances out in the end. Ben Kingsley cashes his paycheck as a vampire king, and even Meat Loaf makes an appearance. If that’s not a dynamite ensemble cast, I don’t what is.

In the Name of the King

Starring Jason Statham, Ray Liotta

A chimpanzee is allotted $60 million to produce a rip-off of “The Lord of the Rings” and “The Chronicles of Narnia” that must include the following: flying ninjas, Burt Reynolds in a ridiculous suit of armor, and Ray Liotta performing a backflip in slow motion. The result closely resembles Boll’s most recent project. He truly outdoes himself here, utilizing every “no-no” in the business and gathering all the out-of-work actors in Hollywood to spend a couple weekends shooting a fantasy epic in the woods behind his house. Even for Boll, this film hurts.

AP Photo

German director Uwe Boll (right) speaks with Burt Reynolds (center) and John Rhys-Davies (left) on the set of “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale” in 2005. The film was shot on a budget of $60 million but only grossed $4 million in the U.S., reports Box Office Mojo.