Shoddy grammar fortells nation’s impending doom

Jono Cowgill - cowgiljm@plu.edu Mast Op-ED Columnist

Communication is important, maybe essential. For example, recently I wrote words that did not coincide with what I wanted to communicate. The result was some degree (I cannot discern what degree) of outrage. I apologize.

Like I always say to myself, “If only I had listened to Kanye West, who told me in a song, ‘Don’t ever fix your lips like colligen/then say something you gon’ end up apologin’.”

So, in the interest of spreading precision in discourse, I would like to discuss the many merits of using “anyway” instead of “anyways.”

Language is our most important asset as human beings. It is one thing (possibly the only one) that we can be proud of in the face of the generally more physically adept, beautiful and astounding remainder of the animal kingdom. So, it would behoove us to use it well.

“Any,” as in no matter how much or many, and “way,” as in the direction, are put together to mean “no matter which direction.” If people add the possessive, their meaning becomes unclear. Do they mean every direction is their direction? Are they pluralizing the word and saying that there are multiple amounts of any direction?

Either way, it makes no sense.

“Anyway” does not work structurally in the majority of sentences in which “anyways” is used. (“What are you doing, anyways?” or, “So, anyways, I was eating some Dunkaroos….”) The latter is on par with saying “infinity infinities.”

Besides the fact it makes no grammatical sense, to say “anyways” sounds bad—and it can have ambiguous meaning.

With the “ay” ending, the “s” ending makes one sound like a snake. Language is often about communicating one’s ideas in a forceful way—if one does not, he or she runs the risk of being ignored. To say “anyway,” one ends in a whole vowel sound, which is louder, more commanding, and easier on the ear than “s.” Often, “anyway” is used as a segue to discuss a new issue. And starting out with the right tone is imperative.

So, if you haven’t already, I implore you, please switch to “anyway.”

Of course, language evolves with use. The anal-retentive members of the English-language elite do not have any more say in how language is used and how it ends up being communicated than Soulja Boy or Donald Rumsfeld.

“Anyways” has entered the lexicon of general speech just as I fear “would of”(as opposed to “would have”) might soon as well.

But in a world where even our leaders spew convoluted balls of miscommunication, the use of “anyways” is simply another indication of the growing miscommunication in our society.

Take, for instance, when Donald Rumsfeld said at a Department of Defense news briefing in 2002,“there are known knowns, these are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns.”

Now, more than ever, it is more important to articulate ideas with precision, use words properly, and not sound stupid. We cannot allow our world to function with doublespeak and impossibly bad grammar.

We, as humans, have an intricate and highly developed ability to communicate. But to be honest, a Tasmanian devil can bite as hard as a shark, and some snakes only eat twice a year. I would like to think that human beings have something with which to trump these animals with.

Our imperfections loom indignantly about us, and we all are implicated. As the spectrum of word usage deflates, the end of civilization may be at hand. Poor word usage perpetuates more of the same.

However, if you don’t want to listen to me, I ask you to at least listen to Kanye West.