Puma Kiss Expose

Columnist discusses the harrowing experience of being kissed in public by strangers

Jess Lee - rock.socks.jess@gmail.com Mast Op-ED Columnist

puma kiss(n): a surprise kiss, usually from a foreigner or in a foreign land, in which you are caught completely off guard and all of a sudden find another person's face on yours. Example: I was puma kissed in the Tuileries outside the Louvre by a Greek tourist as tall as my nose!

Friends, there is something about me you should know. I have often spoken of the positive side of travel, waxing poetic about cultural experiences and the like, making lovable jokes about the Viennese and leading you to believe that my life is a veritable fountain of goodness and glory springing forth from the bosom of good luck. 

But I have kept something from you. Often we shield those we love most from knowledge that could hurt them, but I think my last article must be dedicated to your travel education. Not everything goes according to plan when you travel (gasp, who knew?!). I myself have been subject to late trains, sketchy hostels and the occasional wrong turn, but nothing ever prepared me for puma kisses.

The first time it happened to me, I was in Dublin, Ireland. It was last January, I had just turned 20 and I was at a bar called Oliver St. John Gogarty’s, a four-story yellow building adorned with different flags poking out from its middle like a ruffle at the neck of an old Englishman posing for a portrait. On the second floor was a small stage where musicians were playing traditional Irish Music.

At the end of the night as I was walking out the door, the penny whistler from the band came up and introduced himself. His name was Gavin. We talked about music for a while, and then he invited me to have a drink with the band. As we walked back into the room he took my hand as though to lead me, then turned to me, now holding both my hands, and asked what I wanted to drink. I said, “A Guinness.” He said, “A Guinness?” I repeated, “A Guinness.” He said, “A Guinness?” And then his face was on me.

Yes. You read correctly. During our exchange I thought he was leaning in closer because he couldn’t hear what I was saying, but instead he surprise-attack kissed me. I was in a state of shock and didn’t really know what had happened till it was over.

On the Choir and Orchestra Tour to Eastern Europe last summer, we stopped in a place called Plovdiv, Bulgaria. It was a national holiday, and the streets where filled with people walking, shopping, and sitting in outdoor cafes. A small group of us stopped to watch a street clown performance. Seeing that we were obviously tourists, the clown got us involved in the show, making us mimic him and blowing his whistle to communicate. One of the things we had to do was kick the person in front of us, and since my friend Mike was in front of me, I actually kicked him.

The clown ran up to me, excited that I had kicked my friend and began shaking my hand. He made a kissy face and pointed to his check. As I leaned in to kiss his face, I was thinking, “He isn’t wearing face make-up, and it’s not like I could get an STD from kissing someone’s cheek, right?” At the last second he whipped his face around and planted a big wet one on me in front of approximately 200 people. The show continued for a while, but I was in a bit of a daze, and passed on any further participation. I wanted to preserve a shred of dignity.

For spring break this year, I spent part of my time in Paris.  (You can already see where this is going, can’t you?)  I was walking through the Tuileries in front of the Louvre planning the fastest route to the Metro, when I was stopped by a short, dark-haired man. He introduced himself, said he was a tourist from Greece, and asked me to talk for a while. I declined and tried to walk away.

He said I had a beautiful heart, that my ring looked like the grape leaves on his home island, and when he went to do the French kiss-kiss goodbye, he kissed one check and then went for my mouth. I pulled away, and as I walked quickly away from him through the sand, the black clouds above began pouring fat drops. Being kissed and caught in the rain in Paris in the spring should have been a romantic event. But it wasn’t. 

So you see my friends, travel is not all fun and games. There is a dark side to being a global citizen, and that is interacting with other citizens.  Uncontrollable people will burst into your life and you have to learn to deal with the spontaneity of the universe.  So consider yourself warned. Watch out for potential puma-kissers, and learn some karate. It could come in handy in this crazy mixed up world. You never know!

Added Sunday May 11, 2008 at 7:42 PM PST by JKMP.